The Bastion: Witch Hunt

    Sequels are the sword of Damocles in the entertainment world. Some sequels are great. Take the Empire Strikes Back, for example. It's one of the best sequels in existence, if not for Sci Fi action, then for pure entertainment. On the other hand, sequels could mean that a series has run it's course, and should end before it gets worse (I'm looking at you, Superman 3). And then there are the gigantic clusterfucks that are prequels... More often than not, though, sequels tend to fall into the "okay, that happened" or "why was this directed by a 37 year old lemur with ADD and a Heroin habit?" categories of bad movies. Knight's my name, and duality's my... well, not game. I don't do those. Film, perhaps? Yeah, that's not gonna rhyme. So screw it.

    HBO's Witch Hunt is the sequel to Cast a Deadly Spell, but instead of solid horror/comedy, we get a comedic mystery film with puppies and rainbows and bigotry and an almost transparent stab at McCarthy's communist witch hunt, which ruined much of Hollywood, like Kim Cattrall during a visit to summer camp at the YMCA. Just a little too late, Hollywood. The man died before this film could even get conceived... But I'm getting ahead of myself. Does this film deserve to be burned at the stake, or should it be free to practice it's ideology? More importantly, will I even care if the film delivers what it promises? Let's prepare to step under the blade...

Fox News, c. 1953

     NEWS FLASH: 1953! We start with a newsreel, and boy, is this a crappy way to start things off. They throw so many puns and unnecessary nods to 50's culture, it's freaking obtuse. It wasn't until Fallout 3 that we got great nods, but this shows that things like retro satire and being too damn hammy for it's own good had to get aborted somehow. And stock footage. LOTS and LOTS of stock footage. Honestly, for a 2 minute intro, less than 20 seconds is actual footage recorded for the movie! I understand it's a made-for-cable movie, but that is ENTIRELY INEXCUSABLE.

Regan personal archives: selling his soul for a cheese sandwich

    It's upon this stock reel of an intro that we get the backstory: Magic is commonplace, and Sen. Larson Crockett (Eric Bogosian) has formed the Unnatural Acts Committee to stem the tide. All this film really is, is a mouthpiece to tell you how bad a man Crockett's a stand in for: Joe McCarthy, the man who destroyed many lives and careers in his pursuit of "Communist subverts", when all it really was, was a ply for National fervor and political gain. The movie even goes out of it's way to use Ronald Regan (back when he was a B-movie actor, and one of the most well remembered figures to be questioned during that time) to fill in the respective leaps of dumbshittery afoot to connect the two. Let me give you a little history: McCarthy (the man Crockett is based on) eventually started turning on other politicians, and making grander claims. When he couldn't back it up, he was CENSURED (basically, he was the pot everybody pissed in) in 1954, and died of HEPATITIS caused by Alcoholism in 1958. Basically, this film is the equivalent of dumbfucks claiming the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami was payback for Pearl Harbor. Too little, too late. And they obviously didn't learn a god damn thing in school.

Lovecraft realizing he's no longer played by Fred Ward

    The film proper opens on a Salon, where Lovecraft (this time, played by Dennis Hopper after his brief retirement from film) is after a guy who's skipped paying alimony to his ex-wife. It'd be a somewhat okay action scene, if Debi Mazar, who's playing the Manicurist, didn't look so fucking out of place. I understand she's a good actress, but JESUS CHRIST, does the blond hair she sports here hurt my brain! It's like looking into a halogen lightbulb, right before it skullfucks your eye socket, it's that painful to look at.

     Anyway, Lovecraft nails the guy he's after (the barber), and proceeds back to his office, where he's met by Kim Hudson, a residential Movie Star. Kim wants Lovecraft to trail her husband, mega-producer N.J. Gotlieb, because she has noticed that a former extra has gotten more billing, while she has seen her star decline. He takes the case, and talks to Kropotkin (back again from CaDS), who has begun working for Gotlieb.  Lovecraft gives her a ride to the studio, tagging along because PLOT (or P.ersonal L.iberties O.ftentimes T.runcated).

    Gotlieb shows up at an empty studio, and Kropotkin is ready to go. Some sand and stuff she doesn't want to reveal on the ground, some thrown bones, and the worst case of Witches' Gingivitis ever, and we have our first real "special" effect: the summoning of William Shakespeare to work for Gotlieb and Pallisade Pictures. Making the introductions and formalities for characters we really will never see for the rest of the film, Lovecraft watches Gotlieb leave, and sees him greet someone near the entryway, And Lovecraft makes his way over, with only a look that a man carrying a dildo shaped portable Vulcan can make. That is, IMMENSELY angry.

    That man that has Lovecraft looking like he could blow up a city bus is Finn Macha (pronounced: MOX-ah), an old "acquaintance" of Lovecraft's. If you haven't noticed, that's Julian Sands in the photo. His most famous role is the title character in Warlock. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a watch. Possibly one of the best Horror films that uses accurate witch and warlock folklore you'll ever see. But right now, he's Macha, an Irish ex-con who works as a Security consultant and expediter for Gotlieb. In other words, he's head of security, and a magical kneecapper to get shit done. A bit of back and forth, and the film cements how much of a psychopath Macha is. And that Macha is Lovecraft's primary enemy this film. Not even Kropotkin likes him, but she's one of the heroes in this film, so that's not saying much.

"DENNY'S IS GOOD!"

    Following Gotlieb to Los Feliz, Lovecraft parks outside a huge house where- HOLY SHIT! I KNEW IT! BIG BLACK ZOMBIE IS BACK! If he's back, then that could mean that there's a zombie Tugwell in the film too! Hell, knowing him, he turned into a Lich, and is having ALL sorts of adventures...!

(Fast forwards through the film, 20 minutes later)

FUCK! FUCK FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMN IT ALL TO FUCK SHITTING GOD DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING CHRIST AND TAPIOCA FUCK!!!!

    I'm alright. I'm alright. There's no Lich King Tugwell in this film. I'll have to take what I can in this. At least Julian Sands is in this... Getting back on track, a raven with a snake in it's beak lands on Lovecraft's car, and knocks his ass out, him waking the next morning.

    Kim confronts Gotlieb about her replacement, and he throws her out on her ass, saying even her marriage was for his notoriety. Kim storms out, Gotlieb having Kropotkin waiting before his office with her newest arrival, Mark Twain. Getting a call from another producer, Kropotkin is left waiting longer, while Gotlieb handles it. As he lays down the verdict for a down on his luck actor, Gotlieb is content with his position in the world: fucking his wife for an up-and-comer, screwing people for opportunities, and generally being big man of an entire studio. Life sure is looking up for N.J. Gotlieb...

    Until it's all cut short, when Gotlieb is shrunken by a Hex, and then promptly torn apart by his pet Doberman Pinschers. Later, at his funeral, the priest proclaims that "there are no small actors, just small roles." Well, being short (or tall, or big, or...) doesn't give anyone a reason to be a dick. And now, Gotlieb can't fuck anyone again. Goodby, Gotlieb.

"Why am I in this, again?"

    Lovecraft reports to Kim, but drunk and despondent, she fires him, before receiving news of Gottlieb's death. At the crime scene, Lovecraft finds Kropotkin, and receives the details. As they fill up the cue time, Sen. Crockett comes in, paparazzi in tow to highlight how magic is "evil, impure", and thus unAmerican. The capper, though is his quote for the media, "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." Holy shit, that's an incredibly pretentious thing to say about... well, ANYTHING! If anyone actually said that in real life, then that person would get thoroughly sodomized by even practicing Fundamental Christians. And they fuck anything, as long as them having sex isn't involved.

I'm TOTALLY touching it!

     At Gotlieb's funeral, Kim rehires Lovecraft, mostly to cover her ass. He gets access to Gottlieb's Lincoln Continental, and has Kropotkin join him. She brings two of her Coven, Trudy, who uses Telemetry (psychic readings of the past by object/location), and the thin guy, whose there to just make Lovecraft annoyed. Starting at the house in Los Feliz, they make their way to Malibu. At the beach house they stop at, things don't go too well. As in, "Trudy starts freaking that the house has no impression, what-so-ever. Lovecraft notes that even fingerprints and clues have been removed. We get a brief scene of the thin guy stating that Kropotkin told them he could be a Magus (no, not the Chrono Trigger kind), but Lovecraft reiterates that he doesn't use magic. The only thing he finds is the stem of a martini glass in the bathtub.

Hopper loves the whores...

    Heading back to the house in Los Feliz, Lovecraft is captured by some goons, and taken in, after nearly turning someone into Popeye with a cigarette. After escaping the kid with a somewhat lame setup involving a frying pan (don't ask), we possibly get to the one thing that everybody remembers about this film: The big house on Los Feliz? It's a whorehouse, run by a transvestite madam that comes out singing I Put a Spell on You, just like Nina Symone. Okay, so maybe the transvestite's stage name IS Lypsinka, But that's not the part everyone remembers.

Before...

    Two gentlemen are waiting in the lobby, seeking her services. Well, not LYPSINKA'S services, or else I'd let Diamanda Hagan handle this review. Instead, they hire one of... her girls. But the girl doesn't match their desires. So, with a little sala-kadoo-la, Winnie the Poo-la, gigitty bobbity bacon...

And erection. Er, AFTER.

      We get the most famous scene in the entire movie. The wonders of magical plastic surgery. After that scene leaves a firm, see-through impression on us, Lovecraft is quickly knocked out. When next he wakes, Macha is waiting for him. After Lovecraft finds that he's also the bouncer in this whorehouse (Lovecraft's words, not mine. Or else, I'd be considered very witty, and a traitor to my profession), Lovecraft insinuates that the Senator and Gotlieb came out to the... establishment, but Macha plays coy. After saying he's a girl (again, don't ask), Macha shows him out.

    Lovecraft tails Kim on a hunch, and pins her at a drive-in. Not like that! Seems she loves seeing herself on the screen in theaters, and to top it off, is meeting a friend. Lovecraft makes his famous leap of logic (okay, not so much leap as it is "escape velocity from orbit"), and pinpoint Kim's friend as the girl hired for the Senator. But a magical whammy by way of 3D makes an attempt on them, and Kim's friend books it in Kim's car. Heading back to Lovecraft's office, Kim does a back and forth with him, preventing Lovecraft from calling the cops about the car. She tries to seduce him, but his moral fiber is woven into his jacket, rebuking her. They're interrupted by a call from the Lieutenant, saying they found Kim's car in the bay.

    Seems someone got to Kim's friend before Lovecraft could. She got whammy'ed pretty good: hexed to think she was in a parade, and turned into a mannequin to drown. Goodbye, Kim's friend that really didn't matter all that much to the plot, except in one minor way.

    Heading back, Lovecraft finds that Kim's gone. Kropotkin gives him the note that she left (which only says "Sorry." Jesus, lady, at least you could have added "I'm gone, baby" to that. "Sorry" is the equivalent of saying "fuck you" in script format. Oh wait, no. Fuck you is script format for fuck you. For a mostly unresponsive character, you sure do like to be directly vague, don't you?), they share donuts, over which Kropotkin points out the raven and snake he saw belong to Lovecraft. They're interrupted by a summons to the Senator's interrogations for Kropotkin, and a request to meet Lovecraft.

"You know why I'm in this film...?"

    At the rally location for his Anti-Magic campaign, Lovecraft is appalled at what he finds on stage: a stake to burn witches on. Crockett proclaims it's a prop, but he also lets it slip that he hopes to use it someday (Foreshadowing, thy name is sledgehammer). Crockett wants Lovecraft on his side, expecting information from him because of his whole "non-magic" stance, but Lovecraft turns him down. Crockett admits to Lovecraft he met Gotlieb ("Only once..."), and also lets him known that the trial for Kropotkin is the next morning. Oh, and Kim's testifying on her late husband's behalf.

    At the hearing, Kim testifies, but things do not go according to how she was coached to respond. Crockett blindsides her about the watchstrap given to him by Kropotkin, and she admits that Kropotkin did indeed give it to him, which prompts Crockett to sweep her off-stage, and call Kropotkin to testify. Kropotkin does her damnedest to be honest, but Crockett tailors every one of her responses as "mumbo-jumbo", and claims that she used her "foul magic" to hex Gotlieb, thus killing him. He even says that the "FBI found the most toxic and pernicious magic that they had ever seen", and quickly sentences her to death by being burned at the stake.

    See? Sledgehammer.

Before...

    That night, Lovecraft goes to Kim's house to ask her some questions. But as soon as he finds her, he has to rescue her from her attempted drowning in her pool. After taking care of some things (and a shower for Kim, for some god forsaken reason...), Kim and Lovecraft proceed to have a heart to heart about the affairs that day. Kim admits that she was lead to say things about magic, but wasn't told about Kropotkin or the watch, believing that Kropotkin would be freed after the trial. Lovecraft also tells her about her friend. After explaining her connection to her friend, she explains that the Madam did some work for her...

...And my penis is sad, now.

    She was just a script writer, who couldn't get the time of day from Gotlieb or anyone else in the studio. So one simple enchantment later, and she had what all the movie stars had. Wait, magical plastic surgery is possible in this universe. So why not magical Gender Reassignment? MOVIE? WHY YOU NO FOLLOW OWN RULES? I've counted TWO transvestites, and TWO (Not one, but TWO! TWO!!) beauty enhancements in both films! So why haven't they done the whole "Crying Game, minus the crying and adding rocking tits" angle?! Gender reassignment has been around since 1921, when some guy named Rudolf nee Dora attempted to cut off her own penis and excuse me while I go throw up...

Dennis, after being told about Dora...

    She goes on to explain that the Madam and Macha were being paid by her for the enchantment and her silence, and it's through them she met her window model friend. Her friend would get manhandled, "killed", Macha would come in, take care of things for a price, and everyone was happy. Kim spilled, so Lovecraft spills, too. Seems he had used magic only once, when he was a police officer. The "fill a bottle" trick (empty uncorked bottle, leave it in an area, and you can pour out any conversation said around it) on a boat with two men onboard. There was a woman with them, and when they were caught, they thought she ratted, resulting in her death by strangulation by his "friend": Macha.

    At the whorehouse, Lovecraft confronts the Madame about Macha, but it seems he no longer works for... her. Security proceeds to escort him out, but with some quick thinking, Almost Popeye gets trapped by BBZ falling on him, and Lovecraft takes care of the third guy. Stopping the Madame before she could escape, he finds out where Macha currently is: Senator Crockett's Anti-Magic rally.

    Lovecraft finds Macha and the Senator finishing their deal, and Lovecraft reveals everything he learns, with the two revealing the details (like Macha framing Kropotkin). Crockett reveals he doesn't give a damn about magic or the people he serves, and it's here that I just shake my head in disapproval. Just because McCarthy tried to frame (and ruined) a crapton of people doesn't mean he did it purely out of evil intentions. I know, "demonize the villain". But holy Hannah, does it really matter about how it's done. This film is so subtle, you'll be able to make a museum dedicated to the catastrophe it created. What we have here, dear readers, is a Hiroshima of Missing the Point. It got caught up so much in it's opinion, that it's already been crushed by it's own ego. This film just buried itself, and ruined it's chances of making sense. THIS FILM has finally given up on being entertainment, and headed straight to PSA. Fuck you, movie. You're not subtle.

    See? Sledgehammer.

"Oh yeah! This is why!"

    Anyway, Crockett turns on Macha while Kropotkin is set to be burned alive. Macha doesn't take kindly to be betrayed, and casts a Crack of Solomon on his heart to bring out what's inside of Crockett. As the ceremony gets underway, Crockett coughs up a toad (seriously, a TOAD, mighty fat one, too), and then proceeds to hump the stage, until his darker side comes out of his back, which berates the audience and America in general. Kropotkin is released, and Crockett (both of him) are arrested. Macha gets away, but guides Lovecraft back to the beach house in Malibu. Why? For a clambake... Why else do you think?! It's the finale!

Lovecraft: Is that a...?

    Kropotkin and Lovecraft make it to Malibu, but Lovecraft orders her to stay outside. As he enters, a raven lands on the mailbox. Greeted by Macha, Lovecraft is lead to the bathroom, where Macha shows him what Crockett did to Kim's friend. But with a snap of his fingers, she's replaced by Kim, with Macha saying he will kill her, unless Lovecraft can use magic to stop him. Lovecraft continues to refuse him, but it gets to the point that Kropotkin decides to intervene, using her magic (and the raven).


    Let me put it succinctly...

  

:HACK HACK: *PHTOOEY!*

"GAH! ME EYE...!"

    Stumble stumble stumble. Crash though a window,

"I can't swim..."

*PUNT*

"GOD DAMN IT, PHIL!" *GLUB*

    Shortly after the death of Macha, Lovecraft says goodbye to Kim, whose decided to give up showbiz, and go home. The film ends with Lovecraft in Monlogue, stating that although Kim may have given up, there are plenty of girls, fresh in town, willing to do anything to become a star. Hell, anyone is willing to do what it takes to get their break. It's that belief that makes things worth it. Everyone's gotta believe in something...


    This film fails HORRIBLY. It fails as a sequel, it barely stands as a stand alone title, and it fails to stay to what it originally intended: a pulp/neo-noir styledetective flick with comedic, magical overtones. It wasted it's cast (especially Eric Bogosian as Sen. Crockett), didn't have enough of a presence to be worth remembering, had a sub-par soundtrack, run of the mill direction, and really lackluster effects. I'm sorry, but this film should be forgotten at all costs. It's not worth your time at all.

    I'm the Knight, and I'll be on lookout. Until next time...