Eastern Gate: Utatama, aka Sing, Salmon Sing!

    The allure of the East is as enticing as a great song. Maybe it's because the East has a different way of thinking. Maybe it's because there are far different concepts than one would find in the West. Maybe it's because a lot of material eventually turns into porn and makes a lot of money. Maybe because tentacles really can fit anywhere if you try hard enough. But enough about Southern Florida. Instead of thinking everything in the "Whoa, that's cool" mode of thought, maybe it's time to think in terms of "Okay, how is this any good?"

    Wohai! I'm the Knight. And I literally grew up with Asian Cinema. I know what you're thinking. "But Knight, we all did! We were watching Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee and Power Rangers just like you were!" But Knight, they imported shows and dubbed them for American audiences! So anyone can say that!" "But Knight..." this and that. This series is about one thing, and one thing only: authentication.

    What's authentication mean? Simple: Unfiltered. Straight sourced. No needed adaptations. In short, truth of the media. One of the first films I ever saw (in it's original language) was a Wuxia movie called Catch An Eagle by the Claw. But that was it's WESTERN RELEASE title. It's Eastern Release title was Heroes of the Dragon Blood Pass Trail Inn. Mouthful, huh? I was 3 years old when I watched it. Want to know what made it really confusing? It was a Cantonese spoken film, with Japanese subtitles, and below that were English subtitles. So one of the very first Asian movies I ever saw, and it was subbed from a subbed copy of the film. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Inception of subtitles. Also, it lead to the inception of Eastern Gate. Because from now on, you have one person who is unwilling to let others put words in their mouths. Wait...

    But before I get more confusing and eventually start throwing derogatory words like "higher education" at some people who live in mobile homes that are really quite stationary, let's start of on the right note. Maybe a Mid G, perhaps? Well, that's the best segue I could come up with for this movie: Utatama, aka Sing, Salmon Sing! Utatama is somewhat of a rarity for even Japanese cinema. It's one part musical, one part high school drama, and one part slice of life live action anime (minus the anime) that takes itself so seriously it's self parody. And that's a lot considering it's parodying pretty much nothing at all! But does this song fly right and head to the sky, or does it flop around like a beached salmon?

    As the film begins, we're greeted with an idyllic beach, the sun is shining, the weather is nice (either early morning or late afternoon, we have no freaking idea. Seriously, they couldn't have picked a better time to film this at?), and on the beach is our main character, Kasumi. What else did you expect her to be called? Misty? Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen in the translation... As Kasumi is practicing in the whatever-time-it-is sun, a small crowd of beach goers has stopped and watched her practice. She notices, and believes they are awestruck at her talent.

    The crowd has a different idea of awestruck. Apparently, she doesn't notice that she jumps, prances, and generally makes a damn fool of herself while innocently singing her heart out. More power to her, but come on Kasumi. At least pay attention to yourself!

    Actually, she does that well enough on her own. She's so self assured in her own talent, that she even records herself singing, just so she could hear herself sing. What. The. Fuck, girl! I bet Bill O'Reilly's very self assured of himself too, but you don't hear about him jerk off to his own show.

    Or maybe he does. He is a pundit, after all. They get off to the most idiotic of things imaginable.

    If you haven't figured it out by now, dear readers, she is one of THOSE people: the eternally cheery, the so self assured and Golden chosen ones that think that they are the world. For every 5 Leonard Bernstein, they are the Lady Gaga's who take credit for all the music fans in the world. The kind that make you want to kick puppies into minefields. The kind that drives you to treat kid's with lice infection by dipping them in radioactive waste. That makes you want to scream out "I AM GEORGE STEPHANOPOLIS!" while running through an elementary school dragging a bag full of dead kittens.

     In short, the happy ones who make sure to tell you about everything they are good at, without giving you a chance to even get out of bed in the morning. Yeah, she's like that.

    But we don't have to put up with Kasumi for very long, because we get to one of the best parts of the movie: The all-boy Yankee choir, lead by He of the Glorious Afro, Hiroshi. For me, these guys saved the entire film. They are an All Boys Yankee Choir, folks. Let me reiterate. ALL. BOYS. YANKEE. CHOIR. This is effectively Cromartie High School going Glee on us, folks. HOW CAN THIS NOT BE AWESOME? Well, at least better than Glee (no matter how easy it is to be better than Glee)...

     We first meet the boys from Yunokawa waiting at a bus stop. And wouldn't you know it? The bus they were supposed to take is late. Ironically, it's the same bus as Kasumi, but who cares about her? She's only the lead! These guys are the stars! Mizoguchi (the bus driver), frightened by the fact that Hiroshi and the Yunokawa boys (copyrighting that band name, now) can and will collectively turn his bus into a coffin, he speeds up, and soils his seat. This does not bode well for him, for the boys quickly follow suit and chase the bus.

    Well, guess what one of the main problems of speeding vehicles is? No, not a Falcon Punch. It's pedestrians. Praying to god that the old woman isn't some national treasure for writing, the bus driver hits the brakes. And sends poor Jun'ichi flying into Kasumi. Apparently, this film was made in 3D. I'm dead serious about that. There are things that are supposed to pop out at you, and they're layered well. One problem: this isn't a 3D review, or else Kasumi's cheeriness would promptly crush the viewer and destroy the neighboring 3 miles as well. I learned the hard way about that last one...

    After the near accident, and the Yankees chewing Mizoguchi about his "job spirituality", the students disembark to school, and Kasumi is effectively in a post-orgasmic haze. Jun'ichi runs to apologize about mounting her by accident, and wants to meet her on the roof of the school. Careful, Jun'ichi. I don't think her mind can take anymore orgasmic joy, let alone the roof and her confidence. This, of course, leads to our protagonist getting a nosebleed after he walks away. That's the first time I've ever seen that happen to a female character in a Japanese... ANYTHING! Maybe it deflated her head a bit?

     And then we get the title of the film. Jesus, I just noticed that was a lot of detail just for 10 minutes, but it set up the rest of the movie (which is an hour and 49 minutes). This is a long one, so I promise I'll try and make it shorter.

     After a brief bit about Salmon mating habits, and her practicing with the choir, Kasumi meets Jun'ichi on the roof. She expects a confession, but she gets something else: he's an amateur photographer, and wants to photograph her at the school sendoff before a choir competition in Hokkaido. 20 bucks says Ash Ketchem shows up for that competition, too. Thinking it's real love, Kasumi makes some words appear, and then throws them while bouncing with joy.


    I was wrong. It's not self confidence. Bitch is plain schizophrenic. Jun'ichi best get away while he can. She might just straight up stab him in his sleep. In his house.

    After her grandfather slaughters a giant moth and gives her complete support, the next day, the queen bee of the school (Rena) and her underlings (names not really important, let's call'em the Matildas) set their sights on Kasumi. At the sendoff, Ms. Senuma (the new substitute teacher) attempts to bid them off, but we soon learn she doesn't give a crap about them or the choir (who she is the sub for).

    It's at this point we get to the first of the various songs in the movie. For the most part, the songs are actually well done. They focus on the split between Soprano/Alto and Tenor/Baritone/Bass for the lead groups, but that was to be expected. It's to show the different aspects of the choirs (the girls being very technical, and the Yankees very passionate), and in their primal essence, work to convey the movie. Why would I know this? A literal decade of Choir and Solo work, with multiple Regional and state honors, and a National honor as well, with extensive experience in a huge variety of genres and styles. I don't like to brag, so I don't usually bring it up nowadays. But I felt it went to show that I know how these groups work.

     And it's at the half hour mark that things start to go wrong for Kasumi. THANK. GOD. An entire film of her being giddy and schizophrenic would sent Charles Manson in diabetic fits. As Rena and the Matildas (copyrighted, again) start turning the student body at the choir, Nanahama News records the girls for the show. And as the head announces who the choir is, Kasumi sneaks into the shot, so she could be broadcast as well. I don't know about you, but that would be an automatic retake for the news crew. It's not live, so they can do that. Afterwards, I'd have the girls assault her with some hard, like a pipe, or some stale French Bread. Something to guarantee a lasting bruise. Even the female reporter, Kuroki, agrees that she's too focused on being the star, instead of making the choir great. And I agree.

    And thus the great deconstruction begins. Meeting Jun'ichi on the roof for the photos, Kasumi is devastated to find that all her photos have her mouth open, looking like a fish, Jun'ichi pointing out that it's a Salmon laying eggs look. She runs off to her next class, and finds that the photo was used for the school picture, putting many into an uproar, to which she storms out. We cut to Jun'ichi's class, where she storms in, raises her hand, and in one quick slap, knocks his ass out. Not that I'm saying he didn't deserve it, but she really should have known better. It's High School, after all.

    Her spirit destroyed, Kasumi hallucinates that the Salmon is laughing at her, and she decides to quit after the upcoming competition. Rena tearing into Kasumi for slapping Jun'ichi "unfairly" helps her cement her feelings, with her grandpa destroying stuff with a wooden log not helping her at all. A few days before they leave, she quits the choir, and they head off. At the festival, some of the girls question whether Kasumi really is needed in the choir, when one of them notices the Yunokawa boys.

    Thank you, Vishnu, they're all filling out forms for the choir competition. Yes, that's right. The boys are in the competition.

    The girls gather on stage, and sing a beautiful folk song, pouring their hearts into it. All but Kasumi, who can't find the will to even mouth the words properly. It doesn't help that Rena and Jun'ichi are there, Rena loving the torture she's putting Kasumi under. The student heads, Kaede and Mizuki, also sees something's wrong. And so does the Yankees, who are obviously pissed about the performance. Afterwards, the student heads talk to her about it, and she comes clean about quitting. They are obviously upset. I would be too.

    As Kasumi runs off, she runs into Rena, who digs into her more. This sends Kasumi into a panic, and blindly drives them into the Yunokawa boys' waiting circle. At first scared, they're quickly confused as all the boys thank them for their performance. But they quickly follow it up with remarks about conceit, even with talent. Talent is good, but without passion, they shouldn't be performing in the first place. And you know what? They're right. Through and through, if you're passionate, it's always worth it, no matter who says what.

    Crap, I just found the moral of the film, didn't I?

    The boys ask the girls to watch them perform, and on the way, Hiroshi stops and tells Kasumi she should quit, because her lack of spirit defiles the song. As the boys climb on the stage, they make it apparent they don't care for their conductor, a stand in who they refuse to recognize. Hirochi gives the signal, and the boys break into Night at Age 15, a pop song from the 80's about what it's like to be a delinquent. And although the boys talent is really raw, it shines, with their passion quickly making people feel their plight in their voices.

    And we never get to hear the rest, because it jumps to Kasumi remembering their performance, still feeling their passion even after the festival. She doesn't revel long, before the Yunokawa boys see her, thanking her, before Hiroshi lays into her about taking her choir performances lightly. As the rest of the choir watches ships roll in on the dock of the bay, Hiroshi explains why he said Kasumi should quit. One can only sing what is in their hearts. The Yunokawa boys can only sing songs about their troubles and situation, but the Nanahama girls can sing praises to a river. But Kasumi wasn't singing her feelings to the audience, just to herself. And to them, that's a grave insult. If you aren't "full monty", then you're nothing.

    After that self help seminar, Yankee style, Kasumi asks Hiroshi why he got into music. He explains that three years prior, he saw a street performer pouring her heart out to the audience, and it struck a chord in him (sorry, sorry, had to get at least one pun in here). He's so taken with her songs, that he immediately went out, and started- It's the substitute teacher. Sorry to ruin it, but it was so obvious, that Stevie Wonder could see it coming. After that bit of back story, they bid farewell, promising to meet at the Hokkaido competition (Kasumi surprised that they're competing in the first place).

    It seems that more than just Kasumi were inspired by the boys, as Ms. Senuma is seen giving a crap finally, and practicing her conducting, when Kasumi comes in, and asks to come back to the choir. Ms. Senuma relents, saying that she should treasure her time in choir, cause she can always sing alone. As Kasumi asks to be allowed back by the student heads, Kaede tells her she can be the page turner for Mizuki to earn her place back. And with that, the montage for the Hokkaido tittle begins.

    But the girls aren't the only ones who are preparing for the competition. The Yunokawa boys are hard at work to prepare for their new rivals.

    In a short amount of time, Kasumi grows. And in one moment, she learns that music isn't just about feeling the music, it's sharing too. As she helps some girls practice, then open up to her, letting her know that it was her voice that inspired them to join choir. Kasumi is flabbergasted at the concept, and discovers that her passion isn't just meant for her alone. It's her passion that made her who she was, and she wasn't sharing with others, she was forcing others to experience it.

     As she leaves practice one day, she crosses Rena and the Matildas. Wanting her to hear them making fun of her, they lead her into a classroom, hoping their talk of Kasumi being the page turner and Rena dating Jun'ichi would drive her to tears. But they are shocked when she rebukes their remarks, and lets them say what they want without reacting to it like they wanted. She leaves as Jun'inchi enters, and lifting her head high, heads off.

    At the next practice, the Vice student head Mizuki tells Kaede that she wants Kasumi to rejoin the choir, with Kaede approving it. In a lovely little scene, after practice, some of the girls head to a cafe and relax, when an album that an older customer is enjoying begins to skip, and the girls start singing it for him. Apparently, they picked it up before, but they're harmony is impeccable, and shows they're newly earned unity. Just that they showed such passion for the customer and staff shows that they're ready for the choir competition.

    Okay, girls. You can stop cheering for each other, now. I said stop. Now.

    Thank you. I may continue. Teenagers, seriously...

    As the post-musical revelry dies down, the girls notice that Rena passes by the cafe, and the girls exposit that Rena has hated Kasumi since Grade school. Why? When she couldn't finish the song Finiculi Finicula, because people made fun of her, Kasumi did. And that stealing of her limelight has made her harbor a deep grudge for years. Wait, what?! THAT'S why hates she her?! Yao mo gau cho wah!

    Sorry. "Yau mo gau cho wah!" is Chinese for "You've gotta be kidding me!". I learned it years ago, and it's one of my go to phrases. And now you know... some Chinese that isn't food related.

    Seriously, that's a very stupid reason to hate someone. I used to pile drive other kids for fun, and they ended up liking me! Showing someone up when you're a kid is like showing someone up because they don't believe the same thing as you. No, that still happens. Um, how about because you find someone more appealing to be with? Damn it, that happens more than the first thing! Uh, the fact that someone can make a better stick figure than you!

    Did anyone else hear someone's screams on the wind just now? I think I may have accidentally started something...

     Anyway, a couple apologies later, and an invitation to the Finals, and things start patching up nicely. The night before the Finals, her grandpa brings in a new wood carving for her: A bear being eaten by a Salmon. I pray that Asylum pictures hasn't seen this film, or else we'll be seeing the next big thing from them: Salmon Bear Death Eaters. "Coming this summer, Courtney Love and Jamiroquai (I don't know, the lead singer, I guess? He's Jamiroquai right?) fight the most amazing of all evil: Salmon that can live on land!And eat bears! And they know magic as well! (Courtney: They are wizards, Larry...)"

    And for some reason, the girls (I think) spray the air with something ( I don't know! Water? Lysol? Aerosol LSD? No fucking clue...) as they enter the competition.

    While watching one of the choirs, some of the girls get the jitters. Kasumi, now a leader the girls can depend on, calms them down, when Kaede and Mizuki run to tell her of some bad news: because of recent (read: just decided) rule changes, Yunokawa High's choir cannot perform, due to their manner of dress. It's an incredibly stupid, and reactionary decision by the Choir Competition Committee, but I have experienced these sorts of rule changes before. In fact, it's rather common for certain changes to happen on the fly (including manner of dress, which is a ROYAL pain in the ass, 3 days out from competition).

    Barging into their dressing room, Kasumi, Mizuki, and Kaede confront the boys about why they're refusing, Kasumi even saying that they're non-compliance proves they don't want to compete. As Hashiro is about to comeback, Ms. Senuma barges in, and Hiroshi recognizes her, telling the group that she's his "Goddess" that got him interested in music in the first place. Ms. Senuma tells them she approves of them, and she hopes to see them perform, Hiroshi resolved to perform, leading the boys to get changed, even though they have 20 minutes till performance.

    And surprise, surprise, they make it in time. And not surprisingly, their chicanery has worked for them, for with black hair dye, and a quick clothes exchange with another choir, they are a hit, cleaner and more controlled than ever. As the Nanahama girls get ready to go on, Jun'ichi talks to Kasumi, and apologizes for what he put her through. At least he was man enough to do that... Speechless in his admission of liking her, Kasumi tells him to take more pictures of her, and all is forgiven.

     As Nanahama's about to set foot on stage, Ms. Sunema lets them know that their usual teacher had just given birth to a baby girl. With that bit of good news, the girls sing their hearts out, and win the competition, with Yunokawa getting second place. As the film closes, the girls sing the encore, but the Yunokawa boys join right in, leading other choirs to sing along in harmony, a "miracle" in Kasumi's eyes.

    In all honesty, what Eastern Gate's about is finding my own enlightenment. Why I love Asian movies. Why I love Asian music. I already know why I like Asian girls. So it's natural for me to want to share. And that's what this film's all about. It's not just a feel good film about a girl who learns what it means to be an individual and part of a whole. It's about the joy she finds in what she does, and why she really does it. It's a pretty uneven film, the direction is a bit stock, and the decision to make the actual songs the soundtrack is pretty jarring in some instances, but there are solid deliveries throughout, with memorable characters, and filled with little moments that make this film shine. It's not for everyone (slice of life dramedy, after all), but if you're looking for something that isn't trying to be flashy or outlandish, check it out. It's worth it.

    I'm the Knight, and the path to Enlightenment continues for us all. Until next time! Knight! Out!