The Bastion: Cast A Deadly Spell

    What is the measure of a good film? What makes some of the worst, some of the best? Can the most mundane inspire the most imaginative? Why am I being overly pretentious, when most people who read this will think I'm just another fat guy on the internet? And why do I already have to poke holes in my self esteem, even though I just started this? Well, I guess it doesn't matter, huh?

    I'm the Knight, and I'd like to welcome you to the Bastion! Good or Bad, all are welcome in these walls! I'd like to think of these reviews as a little different than the rest, just for the simple fact of "I'm not a freaking copycat who is lifting elements whole-sale from other reviewers". In these walls, both good and bad are covered. Everything has faults, yeah. But honestly, if it's worth your time, I'll let you know. If it isn't, it's taken down to the dungeon, where it's tortured by an overweight, abino hunchback dwarf  named Ingnot. And depending on that time of the month, she might even use the whip that's made out of Ghost Chilli peppers

     As I said, my forte is the duality. Both good and bad, none escape my sight. And this film is no different. Cast a Deadly Spell is an HBO production from 1991, from the great era when cable companies were trying their damnedest to be as entertaining and memorable as possible. This film does have a few faults in it, but as of most made for TV films of the late 80's/early 90's, that is par for the course. What makes this film any different? Check out the box cover for the VHS (pretty much the ONLY cover you'll actually see of this film, outside of bootleg DVDs). Notice the quote from USA TODAY? They're only half right. It definitely is Who Framed Roger Rabbit mixed with something else, but it isn't as generic as witches and zombies. You want to know what it's really a mix of, folks?

    Cast a Deadly Spell is a mix of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Army of Darkness. Now you see why I made it the first entrant into the Bastion...

    Before I get into the review proper, I wanted to talk about the setting.The setting is 1948, L.A., California. The Second War to end all Wars has ended, and everyone has returned to their regular lives. But when they got home, they brought things with them, that they never knew before. Spells, charms, books, knowledge, magic. You name it, they brought it home. Now in most settings, that would kind of spell their doom, but this is a neo-noir film. Two fisted action and dangerous dames. Old fashioned notions of right and wrong. People smoking any given chance they can get, because if they weren't lucky, it'd be their last. You know, the good old days. I don't have a problem when a film gets pseudo-occultist on us, but if it doesn't do it right, it really pisses me off. Not that I'm a believer or anything. I'm a folklorist. When something touches a subject you know well, and gets it wrong, well you're inclined to make a blood pact with an elder demon to make people shit bullet ants for three weeks. It's what I did to Lars Ulrich after St. Anger...

    When first we meet Private Investigator Phillip Lovecraft (played very well by Fred Ward), he's at the crime scene where he busted the dame who hired him to "find her husband's killer". Yes, his names Lovecraft. Not, he's actually the main character. No, he doesn't get turned into Kraft Macaroni and Cheese mentally by the end of the film.

    It's in this scene that we also meet two other men, Det. Bradbury and Det. Grimaldi. The latter of whom makes a sexist remark at the dame, and promptly gets put on his ass for it, by her. I'm not thoroughly surprised that he's a detective, considering how freaking young he looks. I mean, Jesus. Grimaldi's a freaking idiot, and one always shows up in these important positions in these films, without really having the mental capacity of a burnt piece of toast. Grimaldi no exception.

    While Grimaldi picks his pride off the floor, Bradbury talks to Lovecraft about the murder, and thus begins the great debate of the film: How easy magic makes everything. That's right, folks. It's the old "technology taking us places we probably shouldn't go" storyline, but in a David Copperfield stage show wrapping. Look, I know there's a reason that that theme is a trope, but be honest. How often do we actually see it nowadays? Very little, if at all. That's not really a bad thing, but it could be far worse. Just imagine this film getting remade to resemble Twilight. That would make Lovecraft come back from the dead just to get the stars right to release Orson Welles from R'lyeh and signal the return of the Great Old Ones.

Actually, on second thought, someone please get me the number of a Hollywood Producer.

    After Bradbury warns him about his instincts saying something bad's going to happen, and Grimaldi berates him for his fashion sense and the fact he's the lead character, Lovecraft wanders back home, his monologue saying how the events of the movie begin. We have a fade to a piano being played by Connie Stone (Julianne Moore), fingering the keys reminiscent of "It Had to be You". Wow, one review in, and I already have a sexual euphemism. Stay classy, Knight.

    As I was saying, She's playing the song, and Harry Borden (Clancy Brown) comes up from behind, and helps her finger the... God damn it! HELPS HER PLAY THE SONG, hitting the lower notes so she can focus on the higher octaves. As they're sharing a tender moment, a man named Mickey comes in to deliver a book, accompanied by Mr. Tugwell and a very, very big zombie. He's looking stressed out and twitchy, and looking to make a quick exit. Kind of like when a 34 year old guy dates a woman, when invited up to her bedroom for the first time, finds that her room is lined with nothing but Justin Bieber posters and pictures. Yeah, that kind of twitch. After getting his pay, Mickey's out of their faster than a girl's prom dress. Not realizing that Mickey was basically acting like he didn't want Borden to know he tricked him, Harry opens the package, flips the book open and... it's full of blank pages. It's obvious that Borden isn't one to mess with, but Mickey did it anyway, and Borden was stupid enough to not read his body language to know something was wrong! Of course, Borden flips, screaming for Tugwell.

    One jump cut later, and we're at the LA Train Station, where someone (hint: dude looks like a lady) is waiting, when Mickey runs up. As his companion rises to meet him, Tugwell and the zombie appear behind her, and Mickey freaks out. He grabs a newspaper, writes something quickly, and runs for cover. Tugwell follows, while the companion reads what Mickey wrote. "Not safe. Cour you"? "Not safe. Cove you"? No, wait. It says "Not safe. LOVE you"! Mickey, you deal with books. Your handwriting shouldn't be THAT bad! Well, it doesn't matter in the end.

    Tugwell gives chase, and it's here that we get one of the most iconic scenes in the movie. As Tugwell enters the bathroom, he takes a quick look beneath the stalls, to see if Mickey's hiding. Well, of course he is. Why else would Tugwell give chase? Well, Tugwell sets his clothes, washes his hands, collects some water, blows on it (and proceeds to cause it to steam), and then throws it on the ground. After which, the water turns into fire, makes a bee line for Mickey, literally blowing him up out of the stall. Mickey begs for his life, even using the cash he got from the sale as a bribe to let him go. But Tugwell is both too evil AND too good at his job to let that happen. For when Mickey opens the envelope for his pay, it's filled with nothing but blank pieces of paper. And with that, Tugwell uses one hand motion, and sets Mickey's death in play.

You know the adage "Death by a million papercuts"? That someone's going to kill someone a little at a time, to extend their suffering?

    Yeah, now imagine that happening on Fast Forward. Goodbye, Mickey.

    As Mickey's dying, his companion visits a locker, where we find the actual book he was going to sell. Well, at least the book's still in play, thank God. That would have been really bad if it had just vanished, like Tarantino's notions of decency and humility. The next scene involves Lovecraft getting ready for the day, when his landlady, Hypolite Kropotkin, enters, complaining that he's late for his rent payment. Oh, and it's also the date that her husband died three years prior (which was signified by "blackbirds falling down dead from the skies for 10 miles around". What was he? The head chef at Phillipe's? I know their mustard is stupidly strong, but come on). And that last comment really holds no bearing other than to remind people that magic really is that pervasive in this universe. So, yeah. Thanks for that, Hypolite.

    Okay, so maybe there WAS a point to it: to get the plot moving and to introduce a running joke. After Hypolite threatens Lovecraft a bit, he tells her that he's about to meet a brand new client. And (provided he can get a retainer) he'll be able to pay rent. After threatening to make his eyes shrivel like raisins if he's lying (and throwing in her thuggish male family members to boot), she tells Lovecraft to give people her card. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she's a real card carrying Witch. And here we get the running gag of the film: Right guy, wrong card. The old "Here's my card. You teach dance?" routine of wrong introduction. Be careful with that joke, movie. It's an antique, even before the setting. After grabbing a card, Lovecraft heads out.

    Along the way to the client's home, Lovecraft almost hits a unicorn. Seriously, a Unicorn? Do you know the damage that would have done to his car if he hit it? Never mind the fact that a deer could turn a car into scrap. Imagine explaining this one to your insurance provider.

"Hello, All State? Yes, I'd like to report that I was in a collision...? Yes, a collision. No, not another car. An creature. That's right... a Unicorn. No, I said a U-NEE-CORN. What? Have I been drinking the chemicals under my sink? Not this month, why? H-hello? Damn it,third time this month, too..."

    Well, the upside is that we see a blond on horseback with a bow and arrow giving chase. Wonder if she's gonna make sure that critter doesn't get hurt. Hopefully so. She seemed so young and innocent...

    After that near hit and run, Lovecraft makes it to the house, goes through the running gag, and meets Amos Hackshaw (played by Lovecraft film veteran David Warner. Guess what he plays in this?). After proving the rumor that Lovecraft hates using magic true, Hackshaw gets to business. It seems Mickey got the book that he was selling to Borden from Hackshaw's library, by Hackshaw's disgruntled ex-chauffeur who was making passes at his daughter. The book that was stolen? The Necronomicon. What other book were you expecting? Goodnight, Moon? Hackshaw gives Lovecraft 2 days to find it. Lovecraft agrees, as long as he gets a retainer, plus expenses, to which Hackshaw (begrudgingly) agrees to.

    As Lovecraft is about to leave, Olivia (Amos' daughter) barges into the house, heading to the waiting room. Being the PI he is, our hero follows her in, and there begins to get friendly with her. Over a back and forth, we certify what she is [a virgin, and a follower of Diana, goddess of the Hunt (guess we found out why she was chasing the unicorn...)], and what she likes to do (namely, try and seduce guys to rid her of her virginity). After she tries the whole "I'm sweet but sultry routine", Lovecraft shoots her down, which gets him slapped. Hey, sometimes it's better to take a hit, than take a stint, if you know what I mean. Besides, she's 16 years old. I don't care how beautiful she is. No girl is worth ruining your life over, like that. As the skies rain what looks like blood in some instances, Lovecraft leaves, not realizing he's being watched.

    Following a lead, Lovecraft heads to the ex-chauffeur's former place of residence, where we get introduced to another beast in this world, as the landlord's working on his car: the gremlin. Sort of like the creatures from the titular film, these things make noises and cause all kinds of havoc. After serving as a comedic distraction from the plot, the gremlins are dealt with, and Lovecraft bribes the landlord to investigate the room. While the gremlins return to cause havoc, Lovecraft finds a perfume snifter, and a note from Vista Bonita, saying to bring one bag to Union Station. And a photo from the Dunwich Room of Mickey and some "gal", with "Love forever, Mickey & Lilly" on the opposite side. On that note, he heads out to the Dunwich Room.

    After losing a few bucks to a bartender, a couple musical numbers, and the reveal that the gargoyle (whom I shall now dub Gargamel) from Hackshaw's house is alive and tailing Lovecraft, we find out that he and Connie have a history together. After ordering drinks, they catch up, and talk about themselves and their history. Here's a big problem in the film: the two leads are supposed to have a spark, but you can tell it's really forced. It's obvious this film was just to pad Moore's resume, while Fred Ward is giving it his all, just like every other thing he's been in.The lovebirds, however are interrupted by Tugwell and the Zombie (seriously, someone needs to make a comic about these two. It'd be better than Big and Rob, or Big and Rich even), who says that Harry wants to see Lovecraft.

    After screwing over the local singer in a very amusing way, Harry begins to bemuse himself over the fact that Lovecraft is a moralistic "nickel and dimer", who won't even use magic to get by. Phillip is all business, though, so he cuts Harry's bemusement short by telling him about his job: finding the book. Harry kicks him out, Tugwell following him for some "air". In the middle of another number, Lovecraft heads home, to climb into a glass and reminisce, showing that Harry and Phil were both police officers, Harry quitting to be a criminal, and Phil (stubborn as always) becoming a private investigator. The old former friends/old enemies, with a fleeting image of Connie to punctuate the emotions of Lovecraft.

    The next day, Lovecraft is woken when Olivia opens the blinds in his office. From there, we get a nice scene where Lovecraft introduces her to her first greasy spoon. Damn, was she that sheltered? I know Amos wanted to protect his daughter, but even denying her the allure of eggs, sausage and pancakes? That's just cruel! While Olivia talks about how her father keeps her away from the world, and how she was raised, the camera pans to Tugwell in a booth, paying the waiter to deliver a note in runes to Lovecraft. After delivering it, the waiter runs for it, and noticing what was written, Lovecraft pursues, warning Olivia to find cover if something happens.

    Cornering the waiter in the kitchen, Lovecraft pressures him into saying who paid him to deliver the runes, to which the waiter doesn't know. A struggle ensues, and one of the staff dumbly picks up the runes, and reads the full line. And you know what happens? The runes summon a skeletal chicken/dog/demon thing, to which makes me ask: did it appear from the broth, or were the bones already in the pot? Cause if so, I'm thankful that I don't believe in the whole "Chicken Soup for the Soul" thing. Cause if the chicken soup is made with dog bones, well that means it's no longer chicken soup. If anything dog meat is preferable stewed.

    Well, it doesn't really matter. One stiff, one freeze dried demon, and one jump scare later, Lovecraft is taken to the Police Department.

    One moaning gypsy, cage full of vampire streetwalkers, and werewolf interrogation later, Lovecraft chats with Bradbury. Bradbury presses for information, peppering in the offer to rejoin the force, and bringing up painful memories for both parties, but Lovecraft won't budge. Grimaldi keeps trying to be professional with Olivia, but she's obviously succeeding in seducing him. With the timely arrival of Hypolite and her cousin, who happens to be a lawyer, Lovecraft is freed. And damn, can he talk a great game. With just one soliloquy, he makes the cops release Olivia and Lovecraft. As her cousin gets the car, Hypolite tells Lovecraft she's leaving town, and hhe should go too, but he says he must finish his job. One freak out by Hypolite after finding she knows of the Necronomicon later, Lovecraft takes Olivia home. Amos meets them, starting a tirade on Lovecraft, but Lovecraft also delivers some info about the books whereabouts.

    On the way home, Lovecraft stops Grimaldi from tailing him by offering a better tail: Olivia's. Thus unimpeded, Lovecraft heads home, only to run into Connie, waiting in the darkness. How did Lovecraft know she was there? "I could tell it was you by the sound of your breathing." So what does she sound like? A male walrus giving birth to a sperm whale? That line makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! That's like saying you could tell it's her by the sound of her queef! It's diametrically impossible! But this entire scene is to just fortify Lovecraft as the hero in this film, although a little morally condescending at the same time, espousing his philosophy and his guidelines. It may be one of the best soliloquy's in the entire film, but it is pretty damn high and mighty for him to say it, all together. Oh, and the scene reminds us that he and Connie have history, and Gargamel is still tailing him.

    The next morning, Lovecraft wakes to Connie fixing his suit, making coffee, and to top it off, provide him with some info about the book and Mickey, who she reveals is dead. Later, as he heads out, Hypolite stops Lovecraft to let him know she's leaving for Florida, and slaps a good luck trinket on his wrist, locking it on for good measure, saying it's cost is added to next month's rent. In another scene, we see Grimaldi tailing Olivia, until she almost shoots him with an arrow. Feeling sorry for doing so, she takes him to the house for Brandy and a band-aid. But not before she asks for his birthday...

    Lovecraft heads out to Vista Bonita, which turns out to be in-development homes being built by zombies. One name drop later, and Lovecraft learns that Lilly is staying at the Hotel Ashcroft, even getting her number. Getting Connie's help, they head to the Ashcroft to get into Lilly's room. Tricking Lilly into meeting him at the bar, Lovecraft is taking up to her room, where he promptly knocks her out.
    Up to this point, I've been saying "her". Well, from now on, I'm gonna say what she really is: a dude. Played by Lee Tergesen, I'm not entirely surprised that they made two of the characters gay in this film, considering that at the time of filming, more and more information was being released about the "dirty little secrets" of Golden Age Hollywood, mostly that there was more manhandling off screen than on (especially nowadays). I have no problems with how people's sexuality is handled in film, but it does feel a little forced in this. Not that Lee Tergesen doesn't do a good job. It's just an element that I felt was really unnecessary in the end. Now if LOVECRAFT was gay, that'd be something else. But as it stands...

    Getting back on track, Lovecraft rifles through Lilly's clothes, and finds the Necronomicon. And I have to say, it does look rather cool. After waking to Lovecraft holding the book, we find out the big reveal: Lilly Sirwar's really Larry Willis, the ex-chauffeur. After opening up, Larry asks for Lovecraft's help, revealing in kind that the book is immensely powerful juju. No. Shit. Also, he reveals that Borden asked him to steal the book from Hackshaw. On top of that, in order to gain favor with the powers in the book, you'd need a sacrifice. A virgin, whose also the last of the Unicorn Hunters. I wonder who they could mean...

    But before the Lolita fantasies begin, Gargamel literally explodes into the room, and dispatches Larry, fist through chest style, laughing maniacally. Lovecraft tries to defend himself, but Gargamel takes the "Really? I'm made of stone, bitch! What'd you expect to happen? Have me bleed rock candy?" stance, about to kill our hero. Connie bursts in, providing enough confusion for Phil to kick Gargamel in the stones (which oddly enough works on him), and get away. So, finding a sensible place to hide, Connie takes Lovecraft back to her place.

    Which, surprise surprise, is a setup. It seems Connie called Harry from the hotel, letting them know that they were getting the book. So, arranging to meet the both of them back at her place was the most logical conclusion, because of Harry's knowledge of the place, and the fact that Lovecraft would be a lovestruck idiot and let his defenses down. You gotta admit, it works. And if it wasn't for Harry setting this up, he wouldn't have gotten a nice, hot bath ready for them. But it's not for Harry. Not for Connie, or Lovecraft. Not even the zombie.

    Goodbye, Mr. Tugwell. You were an awesome toady. You will be sorely misssed. Afterwards, Harry knocks Phil out with his gun. He hits him on the shoulders, but still knocks him out. Okay, I'll roll with it...

    When Phil wakes up, he, Harry, and Connie are on their way to Vista Bonita, the land Harry owns, to meet with Hackshaw, who cut Harry into the deal. With the Old One's power, he could melt down Fort Knox, get rid of Phil so he won't wake in fear, yadda yadda yadda... But Phil asks Connie why she's going along with it, to which she just calmly stares at him.
    Arriving at Vista Bonita, Hackshaw thanks Harry for getting the book, and begins to monologue about how the Great Old Ones are far greater than humans, how their power will make him immortal, and he just keeps going on so much, that I'm with Harry and Phil in rolling my eyes in the fact that Hackshaw just doesn't no when to shut up and get to work! Honestly, we don't care about how you're the "instrument through which their unknowable will works"! Keep it moving, sunshine!

    Reminding Hackshaw that there's a schedule to keep, Harry goes to Connie, asking for a kiss for good luck. Which she gives him...

    ...While she shoots him in the guts. Deciding that this was an opportunity too good to miss, she takes over in Harry's unfortunate stead. Goodbye, Harry.

    In one of the greatest twists in this movie, it's revealed that Connie seduced Harry, because she realized she couldn't get what she wanted with Phil. Which, honestly, is one of the most realistic twists on the dame angle I've seen. She's constantly unhappy, wanting more from her life, and being a cop's girl wasn't going to get her much. So, using her looks, she broke a friendship apart, and turned one of them into a criminal, just so she wouldn't have to do a damn thing to get what she wanted.

    You can call me sexist on that, but be honest. How many times have you seen that happen in real life, more or less minus the criminal angle? It happens a lot in the real world, and it makes a lot of sense here. She may be hot between the sheets, but she's a cold bitch, through and through.

    Prepping to kill Phil, the Zombie grabs Connie's hand before she can shoot Phil and breaks it, Lovecraft wresting the gun. Hackshaw picks it up and preps for the ritual. With only a few seconds to spare, Amos places Olivia, and sets the book on the ground. Lovecraft's watch tells a few seconds before dead midnight. The moon becomes eclipsed. Amos' prayer echoes in the night. Gargamel appears in the background as the wind picks up. And in a great display, the gazebo explodes, and the record player roars to life over the sound system. Lovecraft tries to save Olivia, but is stopped by the zombie. It's apparent that the ritual will not be stopped.

    The earth shakes and splits. Everyone stops and looks at the gazebo as it falls apart into the ground. There is a deathly silence. Amos continues the ritual, and in a final explosion, parts of Vista Bonita are destroyed.  And in the background, we here a growl, with the sound of breathing. As the smoke clears, those around stare at the sight of horror before them. For the Gate has been opened and something has come through...

    Mother Brain is now on Earth.

    I'm just kidding. It's Azathoth, the Blind Idiot god who is the nebula of Chaos and Madness in the Cthulu Mythos. Although without some pipers and drummers to accompany him. Maybe it was an off day?

    Amos offers Olivia to Azathoth, as she was the intended sacrifice for this ritual for his mouth vagina. Because once you see...

    A tentacle goes for Olivia, but once grabbed, the tentacle sizzles and drops her like she's from the Jersey Shore. Apparently, Azathoth's mouth vagina can instantly detect if someone has an STD. Azathoth has his retribution regardless, and grabs Amos in retaliation for summoning him without a midnight snack. Lovecraft dives to save him, but loses his grip as Amos is eaten by the Elder God.

    I think I've committed another first for you, Internet. Eaten by mouth vagina. A whole new level of wrong that's been put on the Internet. Anyway, goodbye Amos.

    And because it has to be said, with the death of Amos, also means the disappearnce of Gargamel, and the death (wait, death or re-death with a zombie) of Really big zombie. Goodbye, Gargamel. Goodbye... wait, he'll show up again. He's a zombie. They always return, somehow.

    In one of the biggest instances of awesomeness, it wasn't active heroism that stopped the bad guys. It's was pure dumb luck. For in the back of Amos' car, Grimaldi is revealed to have been knocked out and bound. And in an amazing leap of logic, Lovecraft makes an amazing discovery. Grimaldi was the one who saved the day.

    How did he do it? Remember when they said that a virgin had to be sacrificed... Just don't tell his wife.

    In a final tender moment, Connie (nursing some booze for her broken hand) and Lovecraft share one moment, saying goodbye and how they feel, before we cut to Lovecraft entering his office. As he sits down, Hypolite enters, answering Lovecraft's question of why she didn't leave. While she gets some medical supplies and pirozhkis ("I'm a witch, not a fanatic"), Lovecraft monologues as the dawn breaks, and the camera zooms on the Necronomicon, as he tells the audience that people have a fairer shake now than yesterday, because he has the book.

    In all honesty, this film doesn't deserve a printed review, because there are so many little little things in the film that add to the overall quality. The soundtrack fits perfectly,  the direction is solid, and the effects are cheap most of the time, but work well with the setting. At times, the acting can be really forced, and there are certain elements that feel really unnecessary. But Fred Ward as a curmudgeon is a perfect fit, there are so many references and in jokes to keep you constantly looking, and overall is really just a fun movie to watch. Is it the best Lovecraftian movie ever? No, not by a long shot. But it's the perfect introduction to someone looking to get into the material that this film lightly touches on. It's not perfect, but just like the characters in this film, what is? You can only find it on VHS at the moment, but if there's enough clamor, someone might eventually put it on DVD.

    I'm the Knight, and I'll keep a lookout for you. Until next time!