I am a Chronic Insomniac. I've been one since I was 5 years old. One
night, I woke up extremely early, and from then on, if I didn't pass out
entirely from exhaustion, then I'm awake for a minimum of four days at a
time. My worst span of insomnia was when I was 14 to 15 years old,
where I would get (at most) one hour of sleep per 5 days. I'm not going
to go into details about my life, just that I've had mishaps that have
crippled me, a family that's survived things like organ transplants,
drug addictions, family betrayals, and the like. But it all came to a
head when my brother went missing (part of the drug addiction element).
My family was incredibly stressed, but I went through my own issues
privately, in order to give them room.
The first couple of days
weren't so bad. I was used to going without sleep at this point, so I
kept myself busy. I read my Classical Latin textbooks, I fucked around
on the computer, I watched the same Chop Socky and cheesy horror flicks I
grew up with, and waited for daybreak to go to school, interact with
people my own age, and then go home to do the same things all over
again. Lather, rinse, repeat. That is, until I remained awake for the
fifth day. The fifth dawn caught me off guard. I was used to ignoring my
sleep cycle, but I figured that I would finally crash and succumb to
the silent succor of slumber. But nope, there I was, awake on the fifth
dawn, and wearily reticent for it.
I went to school, and did the
daily tasks, but by noon, I was starting to feel rather uncomfortable. I
could feel a tingly sensation, like there were thousands of insects
crawling on me. I spent the next 3 days in that state of discomfort. I
would rub my shoulders and legs, I would scratch my back, anything and
everything was done to remove the sensation. In fact, by the time the
ninth day dawned, I was almost in agony. I was starting to scratch
myself raw in some areas, and I was starting to show a twitchy, anxious
persona that people knew wasn't what I was. The closest I could compare
it to is someone you can tell is obviously abusing Methamphetamines,
with the bouncy gait, sunken eyes, and slight shaking. I was starting to
become a wreck, and it was obvious to anyone who could see me.
The
ninth day was a Friday, so I just put my head down, and powered through
all the itchiness and feelings of discomfort I was going through. If
you want to know torture, be buried up to your neck in sand, and then
realize that you have an intense desire to scratch your nose. Now, apply
that to your entire person. The entire day, I was pulled aside by my
teachers, who were making sure that I was okay. I told them that there
was some issues at home, and that I wasn't getting sleep because of it,
but I was used to that, and told them not to worry. Let me tell you now:
anyone tells you not to worry, is the exact point that you should
START. Cause while I was talking with my World Religion teacher, I saw
that there was something on his shirt. Not a stain, mind you. But there
was something MOVING, like it was inadvertently sewn in, and was trying to escape.
It
wriggled and jostled, moving the entire time he was talking to me. I
stared as it moved inside his sweater, bulging and sliding along the
weave pattern across his chest and up to the collar. The sound of the
chime for my next class shocked me out of my state, and I apologized to
him if I had zoned out, and quickly made my way to class. I didn't see
anything else that day, but I knew I wasn't entirely right in the head. I
needed sleep, and I needed it BADLY. Come Hell or high water, I would
force myself to sleep that night. I made it through my day, made it
home, and immediately set myself on exhaustion. I went walking. I piled
firewood. I skipped dinner. I exercised like mad. I played my PS1 for
hours. I did my homework. And when I felt the first twinge of tiredness,
I immediately jumped into bed. And then, I WAITED.
I was in bed
for several hours. I just couldn't fall asleep for the death of me. So I
started to do what I was taught in the 4th Grade: I closed my eyes, and
I began to meditate. I spent a solid hour just shutting myself off from
the world, and I could tell it was working. My mind was falling out of
overdrive, and finally letting myself relax. I started to feel good,
that I had accomplished something I may never have before. A full night
of sleep, under my own terms and nothing to stop me from actual rest.
Feeling great would be the simplest way I could claim it.
The
sensation of something on my arm made me react. I moved to deal with
whatever was there, but as I reached for it, the feeling of something
creeping up my leg began to show itself. I was willing to write it down
as nerves, until the mattress beneath me began to roil and squirm. I
could feel myself lifting and falling with each movement, as the
crawling sensation began to spread across me. I grabbed the blankets on
top of me, noticing their squishier pliant nature, and flung them off.
And I noticed that I had nothing on me. But the sensation underneath me
would not cease. I jumped out of bed, to see what would be big enough to
force me, a 215 lbs. teen at the time, to fling themselves out of bed,
and ran to the light. And as it flickered on, I could see the bed
quickly settle down, the lump underneath where I laid rapidly fading
until it seemed there was nothing there. And that was only further
compounded by the fact that I tore the bed apart, looking for any clues
of what may have been large enough to move my entire person off the bed.
So I remade my bed, and spent the next 4 days avoiding my bed entirely.
But
it wasn't just my bed that writhed with a life only I could see. Over
those next 4 days, I saw clothes beginning to move and squirm, walls
began to bulge and recede, floors lifting and the bulges they made
sliding along and then recede, and even pieces of wood that I would
gather for the fireplace breathed with the sensation of life in my
hands. I couldn't read, I couldn't play games, I couldn't even sit anywhere
or wear clothes without the sensation of movement and the tingle of
invasion of my person. It was getting stronger and stronger, and I
couldn't stand to ignore it for much longer. I was shaking badly, my
appetite was essentially gone entirely, and I was pale to the point of
illness. I couldn't think, couldn't eat, and definitely couldn't sleep. I
was already going through a severe depression at this point, and this
lack of sleep exasperated things to the breaking point. I was starting
to believe that the only relief I would get would be if I died, but I
wasn't going to give in that easily.
On the fourteenth day, I
pulled myself up from the wriggling floor, dressed in the clothes that
showed the least activity, and powered through my day. I didn't speak, I
didn't eat, and I didn't do anything other than do what I needed to do,
and get home. I had one goal in mind: find out whatever was there, and
get rid of it. I waited until nightfall, when I would try to once and
for all find what was bothering me and get the sleep that I desperately
needed. When my parents went to bed, I took a knife from my kitchen and
cut open a corner of my top blanket. The wave of bugs, all types and
sizes, poured out of the hole I made, crawling all over me. The
sensations on my person from before exploded with activity, madly
thrashing and wildly wriggling to escape the confines of my clothes.
From head to toe, I felt the entirety of my person awash in the
sensation of insects exploring my entire person. I dropped the blanket,
and moved to rid myself of these things.
The floor moved. The
bed was moving. The walls were moving. Everything around me, and on me,
was alive with movement, and the sounds of these invaders was deafening.
I stumbled in my panicked state, feverishly moving to rid the insects
on me, when a sudden movement on my bed caught my attention. I stared at
the hole I had made, and was aghast at what was coming out of it. Long,
flat tapeworms began to squirm out, rushing to move themselves off of
the bed, and pouring themselves towards me. The movement in the walls
seemed to push me towards them, as I futilely attempted to escape.
They quickly wrapped around my leg, sliding themselves around and up it,
slipping underneath my shirt. I could feel them, teasing my torso,
looking for entry into me. I began to cry, for I openly feared this
incredible violation that I was about to experience. They slid up my
neck, and seemed to stare at me. As they slowly began to move inside, I
did the only thing I could: I passed out in fear.
I was awoken by
my parents, found on the floor, covered in sweat and tears, babbling in
my unconscious state. My parents were startled by the sounds that
emanated from my room, and checked in on me when the sounds stopped. My
dad helped me up, and told me that it was probably time to sleep. I
twisted my head, staring at my bed frame, scared of what awaited me if I
did. But there was nothing. No insects. No worms. No signs of entry,
outside of the hole I made in one corner of a blanket. The walls and
floors stayed still, and my clothes refused to move. My dad told my mom
that I was seriously distressed, and that I might need a bit of time to
recover. So I was forced to take over a week from school. Five of those
days I spent asleep, the longest period of exhaustion I had ever
experienced essentially forcing me into a mini-coma. When I came back to
school, everyone wanted to know where I had been, but I refused to
answer.
I had essentially gone made from insomnia, and I still
feel it to this day. In fact, I'm currently on day 6. I'm itchy again,
but this time I can tell it's different. The sensation isn't ON my person, anymore. IT'S IN IT.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
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