It's on this stage you find that heroism has lost some of it's value. Now, on this overly cluttered, empty syringe and bloated corpse filled stage, do heroes have to do so much more than they ever did, taking on roles that ones who were never meant to be called heroes refuse to do, because they're somehow above the fact that people have faults, but refuse to see acknowledge their own. Heroes are no longer what they used to be. And to be perfectly frank, no amount of Hostess Fruit Pies are going to fix this mess. If you find yourself about to answer the call to Two Fisted, Cosmic Impending, Universal Crisis Managing, Crime Fighting Adventure after the prerequisite bite from a Radioactive Alien Spider that promptly exploded in a Fragmentary way, bonding with your skin as it burned you alive, your going to need a mentor to show you the things you need to do.
I'm the Knight, and you may call me Yoda, for today is your lucky day! I'm just the sword bearer to show you the ins-and-outs of Herodom! Here are 5 Steps you need to remember on How To Be a Hero! Also, I'll tell you how to NOT be a hero, because you're staring a little too hard at my sword, and might need to know the difference...
HEY! EYES UP HERE, KID! I don't want you thinking my Magic Sword is the one telling you everything you need to know! It's MAGIC, not Anthropomorphic! Now if you're done with your Sword envy, let's begin...
Look, it's simple to say that you're the "greatest hero the world has EVER seen", but if you keep on doing that, then you'll have everybody (including some of their grannies as well, trust me) gunning for a piece of the old "Mightiest Mortal" meatloaf. But on the other end of the light spectrum, if you don't let yourself be known, then you'll be as efficient as the Rawhide Kid delivering letters. You may know what you're capable of, but if people don't know you, then you'll disappear faster than the Invisible Woman going through that time of the month.
So, in the end, it's a balancing act. If you don't find the right balance of bravado and humility, you'll be worse than the time poor Mr. Parker was in debt to Wilson Fisk when he had to pay off his child support to Felicia Hardy (Octuplet spider/cat kids, plus plastic surgery and supplement fees can be a real bitch. Ask Tigra...). How do you do it, without looking like you should be wearing an Ed Hardy Tee and a sideways cap?
How a Hero Does It:Simply put, this is probably the easiest thing to keep in mind when your out there slinging yogurt or whatever the hell it is you do out there. It only consists of a couple things-
1: Try not to play yourself off as an ignoble prick. This will get you a lot farther than you think. There's a reason people go out of their way for the nice guy that they've never seen pissed off. Conversely, there's a reason people want to beat the crap out of people who constantly proclaim themselves to be the best. Take the time to figure out exactly how far too much is too much, and then pull back before you even do it. Better to view someone get their ass handed to them because they could turn lettuce into rubber and then they challenged an entire Legion of Fuck-Your-Shit-Up, than to be the one getting fucked up.
(*YAWN*) Jesus Christ, I was starting to bore myself with that. Just an allegory, and here I was getting too into it, and putting myself, and most likely you, to sleep about not standing up for what's right in the end. Anyway, the point I was making, is that if you don't stand up, you can't stand up for anything. It's practice what you preach, and when push comes to shove, it's better to fight back, rather than just lying down and taking it. Know your limits, and stand firm. Better to be a stone wall than a field of wild flowers when it comes to torches.
Again, this one is really easy-
1: Be an insensitive prick, with absolute disregard for others. There's no surer way to get fucked up than to piss off the enemy, and then get jumped from behind by your fellow Avengers wannabes. It's simple lack of caring that can get more heroes crippled and killed than anything else. In the grand game of Life, try to only piss off one side, okay, Wade?
2: Choosing to fight battles you know you can win. This one pisses many of us off, for an obvious reason. This is the Good Fight we're involved in, not "Good enough for me to win with one hand tied behind my back to make myself look good". If there's one way to get your ass pummeled by everyone, it's to pick and choose heroes and villains to make yourself look great. Do that around someone like the Hulk, and that's the surest way to go from being Gary Stu to Mary Sue in one swift, painful, ultra powerful motion.
2: ApplicationNow that you've found that mix of awesome and awe-inspiring relativity, the next thing you have to ask yourself is "How the F*** am I supposed to do this without getting my ass handed to me like the The Leaper going toe to toe with Galactus?" Or you're probably thinking "Knight. I may have just met you in front of the Rite-Aid, where you were swinging your sword, breaking stuff for spare change, but just what am I supposed to do, now that I've become known amongst the general populace as 'token punching bag'?"
Seriously, kid. Stop asking so many questions, and let me freaking explain already...
How a Hero Does It:
Look, it's one thing to look good doing something, but if you don't actually pay attention to what you need to do, you're gonna get screwed. Ask Jack O' Lantern 1, 2, OR 3. But on the other tentacle, you don't necessarily want to follow too many rules, because you'll almost certainly do something that's going to create a new arch-nemesis (invariably because you more than likely threw someone into a vat of toxic baby food). Here's how it goes.1: Know when to pull punches. NO, I don't mean "fake fights and battles". I mean, sometimes you can't just punch someone into the stratosphere for buying the last copy of Batman: Arkham-palooza, when a good swift toss into a fish cannery will work just as well. It's good enough to want to change the world, but you can't necessarily get it from making Kebobs with the Eiffel Tower, and every single guy named Bob in the Northern Hemisphere. You have to know when to ease up. Otherwise, you're going to lose your opportunity for that spiffy decoder ring you've had your eye on. Know when to back off, otherwise you'll go Grimdark and just be a god damn downer. And no one actually likes a downer.
Why do you think Batman won the "Your Momma" contest against Superman last year? "Cause even though he's faster than a speeding bullet, he still couldn't turn back time to stop his momma from getting fatter..."
How a Hero SHOULDN'T Do It:
There are a couple levels of "What the HELL...?!" that you can go. If you are quick to follow these standards, chances are that someone gonna come along, laugh at your puny abilities, then proceed to turn your mother into their cock socket, and your best friend into a Tax lawyer, just to prove the depths of evil that they are willing to go.1: Call yourself a Hero, just so you can be fashionably trendy. Now, willing to stand for something is one thing, but if you don't want to do it, then why the hell did you decide to put on your mom's spandex clothes, huh? I swear to God, there are so many kids who think "I'll be a hero! Maybe then I'll get people to notice me!" You know who else does that? Hipsters. Filthy, unmistakably uncool hipsters who think they can raid MY closet, and make themselves look "trendy"! It's not enough for some to think that they have to go unnoticed to do their jobs much better. But can you imagine Howard the Duck dressing in Mom shorts while wearing an Explorer's helmet, without think "Gosh, that duck sure is a meandering pile of- WHAT THE FUCK! THERE'S A DUCK WITH HANDS SMOKING A CIGAR!" Cause frankly, how you look only gets you so far.
2: Be unwilling to put in the leg work in times of a crisis. This one separates the Heroes from the sidekicks. When it comes to brass tacks, it's the serious that involve themselves the most when it comes to troubling times. Do you think Batman would be as feared and respected as he is, if he decided to drop everything when Project: Runway comes on? Okay, maybe Northstar or Richter, but that's for an entirely different reason that I can't go into, due to a currently pending decision by the Supreme Court... Honestly, kid. Put in the hard work, and you get rewarded. Skip the duties, and you'll be removed from the guest list at the next Super Sockhop.
3: Be A Bad-Ass
Now, you know what you have to do, and you know how to do it. Now what? Frankly, you need to show people that you're not just another D-list Casualty on Brian Michael Bendis' event checklist. From Animal Man to Zygote the Life Jumper, every hero has something to prove. Alien invasions, pregnancies, a certain size changing hero getting his dwarf star stuck in a pencil sharpener on a drunken dare (I'll say this now: Cap is a massive cockstocker when he gets drunk), it doesn't matter. You have to look like a boss, no matter what the crisis entails. So how do you handle an invasion of hermaphroditic Black Forest Ham monsters with a penchant for Bieber haircuts while the Fosse their way down Times Square singing You're the One That I Want, and still come off as a Bad Ass Hero?How a Hero Does It:
1: Keep your God damn cool. The art of looking Bad Ass is the art of keeping your shit together. Garbage Man may have a diverse power scale (what with his ability to keep other peoples/things shit together part of his power set), but he is, by nature, easily succumbing to his own collapse. It's not the fact that his power involved hucking 40 year old McDonald's waste at people (considering some of the stuff they've made gets harder than Adamantium after so long), it's the fact that he constantly doubts himself unless he's pressured into doing it that proves he's not really a bad ass. And the smell doesn't help either, but that's beside the point. Keep your head straight and focus on the task at hand.
2: Use your limits to prove your points/extoll your ideals. One thing that many heroes have seem to forgotten is that they are meant to be EMBODIMENTS OF IDEALS AND VIRTUES. There's no point in calling yourself anything, if there's nothing you actually believe in. Claim to stand up for Truth and Justice, but when you threaten even the guilty with the same force that can frighten the innocent without provocation, then you're quickly stepping over the line between hero and outright villain. Don't be willing to go to the same depths that someone whose willing to needlessly kill will. Otherwise, you will lose sight of why you are fighting for everyone, everywhere.How a Hero SHOULDN'T Do It:
1: Have a need to show everyone you're a bad ass. There is an absolute cosmically huge difference between BEING a bad ass, and PLAYING at being a bad ass. If you have an overwhelming need to prove that you're so hard, you can rape a tank and have it give birth to androids, then you're trying WAY, WAY TOO HARD to prove something. Ask yourself these questions: Do I need to go to greater lengths to make myself look awesome? Do I care more about body count than efficiency? Do I need to do or carry anything to force the point home?If you answered yes to any of those, then you're PLAYING, not being. Sorry, kids. You can't play at being a bad ass, because this isn't a game.
2: Pick and choose what your ideals are on the given moment. I've seen so many wishy-washy idealistic blowhards come and go in this business, that it's insane people think they can get away with an incredibly high body count and still be called a hero. It's simple, Sally Sureshot. Just choose what you wish to espouse, and follow through. Otherwise, it's hard to get behind a hero that's willing to throw someone to an alien just because they got a little too close to the action.
4: A Little Thing Called Respect
How a Hero Does It:
2: Acknowledge that you're not always going to be in the right on something. It's relatively easy to ignore something you've done that you know was wrong. But it's another thing entirely to accept that what you said may have been out of line, or that something someone did will not be something you expected them to do. It's enough to say that every hero has done something that they wish they had done differently (or in the case of Peter Parker, EVERYTHING), but you do have to forgive yourself (and others) on certain things from time to time. You may have been having a rough week, or your special someone found out they're an alien hybrid with false memories, designed to kill you by over stimulating you from too much sex, or you just aren't a morning person. Whatever the situation, you have to know when you've done something that will have a negative impact on those around you.How a Hero SHOULDN'T Do It:
Now we come to the most difficult topic that must be covered: what to do when push comes to shove. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Someday, you'll come across a situation that will force you to think of options that really shouldn't come. A villain decides that the only way to stop a bomb is to stop their heart. A cadre of villains have wired themselves to bombs in an orphanage along with every kid. The last batch of donuts you bought was given to your ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. The stuff that drives you to the edge, begging you to jump off with them. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Most times it isn't. But what if it comes down to dying for a cause, or killing for it?
How a Hero Should Do It:
How a Hero SHOULDN'T Do It:
Justifying that murder is the only way to end villainy is a villains tactic.
Murder is an act of ego. It is one of the purest definitions of the antithesis of humility.
Murder is for those with no imagination or compassion. It is, in essence, a last resort that if you are willing to use from the beginning, you have not earned the title of "Hero".
You cannot gain respect by killing people. Murder is the most vile fear tactic you can use, and should not even come to mind when it comes to stopping evil.
So before you even think about becoming a villain to take care of your desire to be God, note that there WILL be someone to stop you. Even if it means we must do the unthinkable.
If you kill because you want to, you have left our ranks. It will be a loss, but it will be your decision. You kill, you lose. And no, Specter. We CAN'T kill means we preserve life, not take it. Anything else means we lost sight of who we are.
I'm the Knight, and I'll be on watch. Until next time...
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